dickhouse

all-new loiter squad tonight on adult swim

The year: 1994. The place: the offices of Big Brother skateboard magazine. The man: Rick Kosick. The time killer: Coming up with stupid ways to have fun with Rick's name. I don't know how it all began. Late night boredom, no doubt, while laying it out hard—so hard—to meet the magazine's printing deadline. But it was the little things we always took dumb delight in, the writing of captions, the placing of photo credits, the marginalia of magazine mundanities, and for whatever reason Rick's name became our midnight obsession. It began simply and subtly: Rick Kosuck, Rick Cossack, Rick Cowsack. You get the idea. We wrote them all over his desk. Around the slide scanner. Near the light table. Obviously he wasn't there. Quite possibly we were jerks. But then it started to get even further from the mark: Rick Kosixsixsix, Rich Crotchgrab, Richard Colostomy. And at some point we might have even gotten to: Dick Corpus Christi, Chip Coprophiliac, Rip Corpuscle. The following day when Rick came to work he didn't find it none too funny. Especially the 666 one. He was still a bit touchy about the whole Steve-Olsen-dressed-as-Satan-while-heel-flipping-over-burning-bibles incident. But for the here and now, I often do the same thing in my mind with Loiter Squad: Litter Squaw, Lotta Squid, Lighter Squib, Loin Squirt. I don't know why. Possibly Asberger's. Who knows. Who gives a shit! An all-new episode of Lipton Sharts airs tonight on the Adult Swim at 11:30pm ET/PT.

raiders of the archives, featuring jeff tremaine, pt. 1

For all you regulars around here—many of whom I believe are hold-outs, stalwarts, and hippies from ye olde jackassworld.rip days—perhaps you will recall our former "My Awesome Crap" series, where we went behind the hoarding scenes to see what our friends have all held onto over the years. Well, Skateboarder Magazine has its own version of this, too, but it generally lists more toward the skate side, obviously. Recently, Skateboarder Magazine honcho Jaime Owens* paid a visit to the office of Jeff Tremaine** to dig through his drawers and recount the past in material nostalgic fashion. Here's the first part. There's two more to come—oh yeah.

* Jackass trivia fun fact: Jaime Owens was one of the original camera dudes on the first season of the television show in 2000. He probably would've continued as such, but then he got some other lucrative offer from Skateboard Magazine and pursued that career path instead. He's also a full blown hick from South Carolina.

** Jeff Tremaine is not wearing an original "I Hate Kosick" Big Brother T-shirt. This was a Zazzle retread that was briefly offered on the now defunct jackassworld.rip merchandise storefront.

happy birthday to star wars!

Okay, okay... and Rick Kosick, too. But hey, is it my fault his birthdate falls on the exact same day that the first Star Wars film opened in theaters in 1977? Geez... get off my back, jerk! Anyway, if you follow @RickKosick on Twitter then maybe you can yank his birthday chain with a celebratory tweet. And if you don't follow @RickKosick on Twitter, then maybe you should get with the fucking program already, because it's like the new jack version of "Rick's Picks". In case you're not familiar with this former incendiary Big Brother skateboard magazine column, it's where Rick let's you know what's hot and what's not at any given moment. Apparently he's been in a "zone" lately. We tried finding out what zone in specific—Blue Zone? Twilight Zone? Ozone? Danger Zone? Passenger Loading and Unloading Zone? Bozone? No Fly Zone? Demilitarized Zone?—but it wasn't until several tweets later that he copped to being in a "creative zone". What, pray tell, will come of this? Wait and see, my friends, wait and see, because, honestly, I have no idea either. So pull up a chair, get friendly with a bear, or start wilting your hair with Nair until something Bricky* this way comes.

This photo, in case you haven't guessed already by the sight of a slim, full-toothed Danger Ehren, was taken 12 years ago following a foul-laden game of sporting goods store basketball for the first season of jackass on the MTV in 2000.

* Bricky, if we're going to get trivial, was perhaps the worst selling Big Brother T-shirt aside from "Jay's Mom Got Hit in the Face With a Penis".

(Photo by Sean Cliver; Beaverton, Oregon 2000)

i hope i didn't make you morbidly sad...

...but I totally missed out on celebrating World Goth Day. Rest assured, it's not for lack of awareness. No, not by a long, dark—so dark—shot. I may wear colorful clothing on the outside (when and if I absolutely have to wear clothing), but you can trust me when I say I've always felt black on the inside. So why the supremely late flag? Well, for one, it fell on the exact same day as the one-year anniversary of the Joplin, Missouri, tornado disaster, and I didn't wish to disrespect Preston and the residents of Joplin with a blogjam. And then, on Wednesday, it was like, hell, I'm already late one day so what would be so bad about two? Because if you're gonna be late, you might as well be wholly tardy.

But is it just me or does it seem vaguely oxymoronic for goths to celebrate anything in the first place? Doesn't that go against all dour principles and aesthetics? Then again, I come from a gloomy time and place not known to modern malled mankind ... long before Hot Topic (NASDAQ: HOTT—9.95 +0.28 as of 11:51am EST) had sent its tendrils deep into the recessed pockets of suburbia to lure mirthless teens out of the darkness and into the retail light. Quite the marketing coup and cornucopia of cynical conumdrums, if you ask me. But don't. Instead, perhaps ask yourself this: What would Robert Smith do?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go make this monster of a mortal coil in the toilet. With the lights off.

Looking for "The Hearse" in all the wrong places? Best check this lost and found box of dust bunnies, dildo leavage, and other digital dandruff: jackass, volume 1

(Photo by Sean Cliver; West Hollywood, California 2000)

(shhh... i just poached off rickkosick.com!)

Feel that? Don't touch that. Awkward intro, yes, to be sure, well aware of it, thanks, but I'm just trying to throw off Rick Kosick from following my trail directly from his site to this site. You see, a poaching I did go and just look what I found: this all-new video of Rick's entitled "Skateboarding With Wee Man" (don't let the freeze-frame fool you). Guest skatey appearances by Heavy Metal Chuck, Jason Ellis, Brandon Biebel, Marc Coronel, Mike Kassak, Dave England, Christian Hosoi, and Jake Reuter.

the joplin tornado remembered, by preston lacy

A year ago on May 22, 2011, a devastating EF 5 (Enhanced Fujita Level 5) tornado devastated one-third of my hometown of Joplin, Missouri, killing 161 people and destroying 10,000 homes and businesses. Thank God, the entire world rushed to help and thousands of heroes descended on Joplin to volunteer.

I'm sure as heck no hero. (Luckily, I was in Las Vegas getting drunk when the tornado hit.) I got back to Joplin three days after the storm touched down, and I thought I'd roll into Joplin Hollywood-style: tell some jokes and cheer everybody up. Man, was I wrong. It was like running into a brick wall. Everybody was walking around like zombies. There were no lights or street signs anywhere. I kept getting lost in areas I'd been in a thousand times. It looked like the old history films showing the bombed out city of Berlin, Germany in 1945. There was three times as much rubble in Joplin than they recovered at ground zero in New York City on September 11, 2001.

There are thousands of stories but I'll just mention a couple that really touched me. My friend Lacey and her boyfriend Juan (former cornerback at Joplin High—Go Eagles!) were driving when they got caught in the middle of the tornado on the east side of Joplin four blocks from my house. They were pulled up into the tornado where they got into a head-on, mid-air collision with another car. They somehow made it to the ground alive, but Lacey had suffered a major head injury: her forehead and skull were split wide open. Juan took her to the nearest hospital, but it had been hit hard as well—five people died in the hospital ICU when the generator and back-up emergency generator were blown away.

The ER doctor on duty was an absolute hero. He was working in a destroyed hospital with no power, dead and injured people everywhere, and running things like a Marine Corps General. Lacey and Juan made it to him in the ER and the doctor immediately told Juan, "Keep her away from any mirrors. If she sees her head she'll go into shock and die." At that moment, Juan collapsed on the hospital floor and the doctor found a four-inch splinter, a/k/a Texas toothpick, in his throat. The doctor said, "I gotta perform an emergency tracheotomy on you and take that splinter out right now or you're gonna choke to death". As he was choking, Juan said, and I quote, "Do what you gotta do, doc". I'm happy to tell ya, Juan and Lacey were happily married four months after the storm and are doing great! There wasn't a single dry eye at that wedding.

Will Norton, an 18-year-old aspiring filmmaker who had earned a full scholarship to Chapman University in Los Angeles to go to film school, graduated from Joplin High right before the tornado showed its ugly face. He and his father were driving home to eat pizza and celebrate his graduation with his mom and sister when they got caught in the 350-mph twister. Will Norton was sucked up into the tornado through the sunroof of the Hummer, and his father broke both arms trying to save his boy. Will went missing for days. Hope was lost when they finally found him in a pond a quarter-mile away. Will Norton died on that awful day just two hours after his high school graduation. God bless him and his family, especially his dad. Hollywood sure could have used a guy like Will. You can find his hilarious short films on YouTube.com.

As sad as it makes me to think about all the horrible losses, it's one year later and Joplin is coming back strong. Hard work and good attitudes go a long way. Eighty-percent of the lost businesses are either back or being rebuilt. Brand new houses are springing up everywhere and the FEMA trailer city keeps getting smaller and smaller. The new high school (the second largest high school in the state) and new hospital are under construction. Joplin will never be the same, but the future looks bright. The people of Joplin are a pretty darn tough group. I sure wish the catastrophe would have never happened, but those gritty, salt of the earth, southwest Missourians were ready for the fight. President Harry S. Truman would be very proud. I'll never call anyplace else home.

Thank you to the countless volunteers and people who donated money to help Joplin. The citizens are forever grateful and will never forget your generosity. There are still plenty of houses to be rebuilt and we've got to reforest this town or the future generations will never forgive us. Tens of thousands of beautiful trees were lost. Any money you could donate to the Arbor Day Foundation would be a big help. http://www.arborday.org

Sincerely,

Preston Lacy

For further information on the rebuilding of Joplin, MO: http://www.joplintornadoanniversary.com

(Top photo by Preston Lacy; Bottom photo by Doug Hunt)

tonight on ridiculousness... rampage jackson!

Under the wire and through the woods? Not to worry, I'll come to your promotional rescue. Tonight, like nearly now, an all-new episode of Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek hits the MTV harder than a UFC go 'round with special guest Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Diddle your epiglottis on this and then swallow it whole in just a few minutes at 10/9 C.

MTV Shows

loiter squad picked up for second season

 

News broke like a windy from Adult Swim the other day that Loiter Squad has officially been picked up for a second season. No premiere date has been set. No animals were harmed in the making of this extremely brief and otherwise uninformative press release. No skateboarding here, there, or anywhere. No nukes. No fly zone. No me gustan los bichos en el agujerode mi pene. But (butt!) you can catch an all-new episode airing this coming Sunday night at 11:30pm ET/PT and here's the tease to prove it:

weeman v. weeing men

The other day while doing some birthday research on Wee Man, I stumbled upon this: the Weeman (if you list to the dumb/tough side, try this on for mental size: http://www.weeman.co.za). Fascinating, no? A potty training device that helps a toddler to pee just like dad! Fortunately, I grew up in a house that actually had a urinal installed. My dad picked it up at a school auction for like five bucks and I thought it was the best thing ever. Hell, I wasn't just the first and only kid on my block to have one—I might've been the only kid in the city to have one! So, nowadays, I can stand-up pee like a champ.

The only thing I do suffer from is performance anxiety. No, not the erectile kind, but rather the ability to pee on demand. Why would I ever need to do such a thing? Out of professional necessity. Bam Margera's "Wiener Vision" wasn't the first time urine found its way onto our cast and crew—well, aside from its being shown on camera from a first person's penis point-of-view—as it's been one of those go to annoyances ever since the TV days (the earliest recorded instance I believe being a pee-pee wake-up delivered to Jeff Tremaine from Johnny Knoxville in 2001). Ever since then it has simply been all out tinkle warfare.

I've been on the receiving end more than I care to remember, although not anywhere near as much as Tremaine (he was pretty much a walking urinal on and off the sets of jackass the movie, jackass number two, and jackass 3D). I did once try to repay Knoxville in urinary kind after he spattered my back with a liberal quantity of his own, but when bladder push came to urethra shove I just couldn't do it. There I stood, directly behind a seated Knoxville, my penis out and just inches from his ear with not a drop to be had. So, not only was vengeance not mine, it was just awkward as hell, too.

Ever since then I drink at least a gallon of water, if not two, a day. And I don't do it for health and hydration reasons. I do it because I never know when I might need to pee on someone. And that's perfectly normal in my line of work.

(Photo by Sean Cliver; California 2010)

¡feliz cumpleaños, hombre pequeño!

Why so Spanish today? Just a little something extra foreign to celebrate Wee Man's half-German heritage and Italian birth. If my math doesn't fail me (which it did almost do in high school), Wee Man is a spritely 39-years-old today. Numerologically speaking, the number 39 is significant for the following fun things:

1. It's considered to be an unlucky number in Afghanistan due to its association with pimps. Then again, what is considered to be lucky in Afghanistan?

2. Allegedly, the words "mischievousness" and "impurity" are used 39 times in The Bible. Trip out.

3. It's the atomic number of yttrium. Hooray!

4. It's the number of tortilla chips served in every side order at Wee Man's Chronic Tacos in Redondo Beach, California.

Okay, that last is total bullshit, but give it a few days and maybe it will make its way onto Wikipedia to become yet another "Interfact" that everyone blindly believes because the Interweb says it must be so. Happy Birthday, Wee Man!

(Photo by Sean Cliver; Los Angeles, California 2010)