Color me disappointed. Possibly disenfranchised. Maybe just outright jealous—I mean, if we're really going to call a spade a spade. The idea of fart noises being heard on any website should have been jackassworld.rip for starters, but then that whole deal went up in smoke (taking all the mirrors along with it). True, JAW did have its landmark moments of auditory brilliance when it cames to mousing over particular photos, e.g. "HUNH?", "Go Fuck Yourself," and, of course, the soothing regurgative sounds of Steve-O, but we really should have planted our flag in online flatulence. Anyway, The Onion since has—scrolling no less—so good on 'em. Download farts for your website here: http://theonion.github.io/fartscroll.js/
Love the smell of ass napalm in the morning? Is the "Covered Wagon" your signature bedtime move? Take a moment, stop exorcising anal spirits in your underpants, and own jackass number two
(Photo by Sean Cliver; Orlando, Florida 2006)
clearly didn't know about when they went behind the former Iron Curtain of Russia in 2005: It's home to the strongest vagina in the whole wide world! Because if they had known... well... hmm... I don't know. I'm not sure what would have happened. I mean, it's not like the 
. The first, Johnny Knoxville, took a dildo hard—so hard—in the tooth that it did some genuine dental damage; the other, Rick Kosick, willingly sat in the line of dildo bazooka fire in a half-ass yet high-speed camera homage to William Tell's famed apple of yore, and paid a small ice pack price for doing so in the end. Throughout the history of time I am sure there are many other cases of dildos gone or done physical wrong, but this—the case of a 
television show as a "baby mama" to negligent father Johnny Knoxville, her father is an art instructor, and he had a former student that did a portrait of Knoxville. See where this is going? Good, because I lost track—rather bad case of the stupids, you know. Anyway, one person contacted the next, contacted the next, contacted, the next, and the next thing you know 
in 2002. It's a well known fact his tummy doesn't handle south of the border combos that well, and our usual lags in production let him stall out far too long in the danger zone while the hardware store was being scouted and plotted for toilet pranking purposes. Granted, his being tickled and jabbed in the van by a feisty Jeff Tremaine didn't help matters much, and when the backfire came it had both bark and bite, like any well hung and no longer containable shart. Lucky for all Dave was wearing pants then. I mean, can you even imagine the pooey level of devastation had he gone Ol' Faithful while having his gooch stimulated? Talk about pop music, Armageddon, and handbaskets all rolled into hellish one!
, too, but I'll be shit-whipped if I couldn't find a single pooey photo in the entire 
, he actually inflated a lump of poo in Preston's intestine? I mean, that would have been really interstine, right? Anyway, if it had happened, I'm guessing—no, make that wishing, it would have looked something awesome and huge like this fecal-inspired art installation currently on display over in Hong Kong of all places:
