the birds and the geckos

Today's lesson is tapped out in the random key of life and goes out to all hardcore advocates of sex education and the Wildboyz—two things which may not sound like they go together, but puzzles are as puzzles do, much like the mechanics of mating with a tail. That said, please meet my fucking housemates.

These are two of probably 30 or so geckos that reside in my house. By day they mostly hide behind the framed photos, prints and art that hang on the wall, or skitter across the ceiling with remarkable aptitude and pluck. By night, however, is when they really come loudly and proudly out of the closets, nooks, crannies and wherever else they jam their bodies into, to feast upon insects of all shapes and sizes. That's the upside to geckos. The downside is that waste is as much a part of sustenance as sustenance, so what goes in must come out and I'll be damned if it doesn't entail a daily morning process of sweeping up all their dried crap (gecko poo looks like a fat grain of rice that is pitch black in color with a little white dollop on one end). And, sadly, because I am a mouth breather and tend to sleep on my back, the odds are unfortunately good that a gecko on the ceiling has successfully deployed a fecal missile right into my open, snoring orifice. How ya' doin'.

But enough about poo—I mean, not that you can ever have enough poo, from cradle to grave it's one of the most consistent things you will ever do in life, give or take random battles with constipation in your colonosphere—let's talk animal porn! I know not the exact sexual orientation of these geckos, but I'm going to go out on a very straight limb and say this is a hetero coupling. Male on female, as doggy-style as geckos can get with the added upside-down twist a la Lionel Richie. Yes, they are doing it on the ceiling in total "Cirque du Solagartija" fashion, if you'll forgive the French and Spanish mash.

Once they're finished and the male mops up the astoundingly large cum slick, the female goes off to make the babies and eventually squeezes out two pea-sized white BBs from her uterus. I don't know where they normally deposit the eggs in the wild, but our domestic geckos prefer to leave them inside the strike plate cavities on door jambs. Not exactly the best of nests, in my opinion, because we've scrambled more than a few of them. Hey, it's not my fault they're stupid, but from what I've seen the gecko is far from endangered and lives life on the edge with Olympic-caliber sex and chirps louder than birds. Viva los geckos!

(Photos by Sean Cliver; Costa Rica 2012)

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