dickhouse

tonight on ridiculousness... steve-o!

It's hard to think of roofs without thinking about roofies. I've never had any firsthand experience with the stuff—at least to the best of my cognizant knowledge—but I do know of this one time in Mexico when Chris Pontius almost was and in the worst possible way. This is only a partial memory though, so I honestly don't know why I even mention it in the first place. What I do know is that the worst possible place for anything to go wrong has to be a roof, because there's really only one place to go from there and it's not a place where gravity is going to lovingly hold your hand to ease the passage. That is the allure, I suppose, but goddamn if that isn't one of the most hard—so hard—lessons to be physically learned, and with the quickness, I might add. Steve-O is no stranger to this elevated danger, but he's also got an uncanny knack for avoiding the extra hard knocks. He's also the guest star on tonight's all-new episode of Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek at 10/9 C on the MTV.

Ridiculousness - Full Episodes

(Photo by Shanna Zablow; 2012)

how to draw a cock

To be perfectly honest, I feel like I've had something stolen out from under me ... like I completely missed out on my opportunity to shoot a viral wad and blew 15-seconds of long, hard Interweb fame. So here I sit, flaccid and limp, with nothing but my own impotent and static black-and-white cocks to show for it. Too much time spent seizing my shaft and not the day, I suppose. Live and learn!

But what really gores my goat is that this guy totally dropped the testes when he added yellow paint. Yellow? YELLOW?! How many yellow-helmeted warriors have you seen in your day and time? Hmm? Okay, granted, I could see such a discoloration happening in Thailand or certain highway stretches found in the Eastern Bloc, Africa, and possibly even a few of the more methy outskirts in the American Southwest, but for the most part they're purple—PURPLE. The chosen color of royalists everywhere. But he did nail it with the veiners, so I at least have to give him his due wiener credit there.

But whatever. At least I can still lay claim to the dick design that was once more—much more*—than the faded memory it is now on Bam Margera's bottom from jackass number two (2006). And, besides, my real true life's dream is to one day be featured on Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun. I've got the pen. I've got the passion. Now I just need a goddamn paper...

* The dick brand (or rather "dick farm") was at its very finest at its most infected state on one of Bam's Viva la Bam roadtrips that took place soon after the branding incident in Florida.

(Photo and drawings by Sean Cliver)

Related articles

a dickhouse family holiday gift

warning: human error leading cause of dildo play

a wildboyz behind behind the scenes

songs about my dick

jackassworld flashback: not with the program

If you remember our last "getting with the program" flashback from jackassworld.rip, Rick Kosick appeared to be onboard and hip to the fact who shined his penny on a daily basis. Many, many months later, however, the tables (and our minds) had all flipped out and another stellar moment in the day-to-day (sur)realties of our ridiculous professional lives was missed out on—well, at least on a televised scale. The clip itself was miraculously caught by Dimitry (I say "miraculous" because he was rarely if ever actually found in our office environment) and delivered on a silver plate to our online audience, but it was just that and only that and it wildly fluxtuated between 8,000–20,000 site visits a day. Some of those people are still found here today, and to those people I say, "Suck it!" In a good way, of course.

If you ever get a misty dew drop in your eye—not one of those icky goo drops, mind you—some of what was lost online can sort of still be found in digital putty on the jackass: the lost tapes DVD bonus features.

happy birthday to dimitry elyashkevich!

Is it live or is it Memorex? Does Memorex even exist anymore? Excuse me while I go check the great and omniscient god Google for verification and illumination ... [dramatic pause] ... well, soak me in suricate shit and swab me silly, it does! And who cares! I don't. What I do care about is that today we celebrate another year in the life of Dimitry Elyashkevich*. I've known Dimitry since he was a wee skate photographing lad of 19-years-old. I even helped him get his first big-time job as the exclusive team photographer for World Industries in 1996 and it has been nothing but an "America, what a country!" adventure for this Eastern Bloc Belarusian ever since. In honor of Dimitry, I'll na zdrowie to that—Happy Birthday, Dimitry!

* Technically today is the day of the late, great jackassworld 24-hour takeover, but seeing as Dimitry's birthday got overshadowed then in 2008 I thought I'd give him his full day in the sun now.

(Photo by Johnny Knoxville; 2013)

on this day in jackass history...

Actually, today's not the day. It's tomorrow. But what is history if it's not meant to be rewritten? Especially on the Interweb. So let's let us be the first to fudge the details since it's been a goddamn what, five years now? I swear, where does the time go, but before I wax any more rhetorical here are the brass tax* of what I'm trying to get around to talking about: the jackassworld 24-hour takeover of the MTV studios in New York City—Times Square, to be epicentrically precise. There were spillovers in and around the vicinity with a slight poke into Mianus, but for the most part it was all about 43rd and Broadway. Since all the recorded footage from said event has since been filed in the "Where is it now?" bin, your best bet is to remininsce here for lots more photos from our slumber party, but all good junkies know where to score a quick fix like the clip below. Just let your fingers do the walkin' so I can quit talkin', alright?

* The kissing cousin to Wee Man's infamous "French benefits".

(Photos by Sean Cliver; New York City, NY 2008)

tonight on ridiculousness... mac miller!

Judging from the formal introductions made by some of these "cocky kids", they're not really heeding that stern, stern but fair "warning" message that precedes a certain show featuring stupid stunts. Is that the illiterate state of America today? Is the written word of the present the dinosaur of the past? And why the fuck did Jurassic Park have to go and make velociraptors as popular as bacon when it comes to the formulaic efforts shit out daily on Twitter? All I know is that Noah was a pussy and possibly made a judgment call that wasn't his to make when he chose not to put dinosaurs on the ark. I mean, would putting two ankylosaurs on the manifest have killed him? Okay, possibly, yes, but they had knobs on the ends of their tails that looked like scrotums, and I, for one, would have been happier in life had I been able to see one in a zoo for reals. Tonight's all-new episode of Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek and special guest Mac Miller airs tonight at 10/9 C on the MTV.

Ridiculousness - Full Episodes

(Photo by Shanna Zablow; 2012)

music video: "domo 23" by tyler, the creator

 

Who gives a flying nut high-five about the Ides of March when the all-new second season of Loiter Squad drops like a hot rock on Russia Sunday, March 10, at Midnight ET/PT on Adult Swim. To assist in enabling your ability to groove on said date, here's the first single and its accompanying music video from Tyler, the Creator's forthcoming album Wolf (release date: April 2, 2013). Awoooo!

(Photo by Amanda Adelson or Shanna Zablow... I can't remember which one took it, what do I look like, a fucking encyclopedia? Get off my back, jerk!)

jackassworld flashback: get with the program, pt. 1

Once upon a time there was a website that could have been a TV show on par with any other dickhead "reality" program offered by the networks. The ingredients were all there: volatile personalities, dysfunctional camaraderie, professional immaturity, Playskool™ paint schemes, flea infestations, asbestos, and a perverse lack of windows to an outside world. What could have been, however, was never exploited. Instead it all went straight to an Interweb where no one can hear you scream above the million billion other odd uploads competing for your ADHD time of the day. And on this particular occasion there was indeed screaming to be heard. The screams of the damned in a ridiculous argument that easily and handily could have kicked the tragicomedy tuchas of any televised (scripted) reality scene on that day of the month. But, thanks to the Interweb, we'll always have the echoes to listen to in those special times of sadistic glee and need... like now!

Enjoyed this trip down mammary lane? Prefer your areolas of dinner plate proportions? First suckle on this and then choke on the boob in full by Dave Carnie.

happy presidents' day

Presidentially speaking, I'm tired of annualy dredging up Johnny Knoxville and his horrifying reenactment of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address in full  "Beard of Leeches" get up, so you, too, must be equally anally tired. So, instead, let's pretend George Washington had nothing to do with a cherry tree and everything to do with an apple tree, because, well, I ain't got nothing but nothing when it comes to cherries. But apples—butt apples!—those I've got more than a barrel full* to go bobbing for with you, the loyal friends, fiends, followers, and fanatics of Dickhouse. Because who wants a boring old White House, anyway? Anyone can paint a house white, but not everyone can build a house out of dicks. It's like what former U.S. President Ronald Reagan once said, "There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect,” and that, by god, is exactly what we've done with our erections. Among other things, of course, but for now let's content ourselves with this.

* Whoops! Looks like Bob beat me to the punch bowl on this particular apple...

(Photo by Sean Cliver; 2010)

happy birthday to sean cliver!

I'm not a tremendously huge fan of the third person, so let's just call a spade a spade and say it like it is, "Happy Birthday to me!" Me being Sean Cliver. I am, of course, the answer to the oft asked question, "Who's the f'ing clown behind the online ROYGBIV curtain, anyway?" That bozo is indeed me, but I don't particularly care for tooting my own horn every damn day so I tend to err on the side of nigh anonymity. In this day and age, I suppose that's a virtual anomaly, seeing as social nitwitting and blogging have elevated the frightfully unabashed act of self-absorption on a global scale, but me, well, I still like a modicum of privacy—not that you could tell that from the photo above or the assorted asinine stories I've shared about my testicles, making a mold of my penis, or the inability to act like a responsibly mature social drinker. All that said and hyper-linked for your clicking at the speed of leisurely ease, please disregard everything aforesaid. Honk, honk!

(Photo by Lindsey Shupe; Madrid, Spain 2010)

tonight on ridiculousness... DJ pauly D!

Just when you thought it was okay to leave your house on Valentine's Day. Well, it's not. It never was. You've been sold a holiday by a greeting card coalition and swallowed it in whole thanks to a multi-national restaurant conglomerate. Personally, I blame the Freemasons, but why not do yourself, your credit card, and significant other a favor by fighting the power, ordering in a pizza or some cheap Chinese (taste is a highly overrated sensation as it's all just grist meant to fill your tummy in the end), and giggling the night away during the premiere episode of Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek, Chanel West Coast, Steelo Brim, and guest-star DJ Pauly D. Whet your palate with the appetizer clip below and then get the full happy meal show tonight on the MTV at 10/9 C.

Ridiculousness - Full Episodes

(Photo of DJ Pauly D, Rob Dyrdek, and Big Jerry G by Shanna Zablow; 2012)

giving it up to jim dechamp

I don't like to play favorites (total bullshit but who honestly expects truth in journalism anymore), but after finally watching the Nitro Circus movie* I have to say Jim DeChamp is now running neck-and-neck with Street Bike Tommy in terms of being mine. Gosh, that sure sounds weird, especially on the week of Valentine's Day, but whatever. I was just too lazy to click open a thesaurus and find a suitable substitute for the word "favorite" and didn't want to double-up in the same sentence.

Regardless, an argument could certainly be made for the query "What's in a name?" with regard to Jim, because he really is a champ. It's like, with Travis Pastrana, someone so ridiculously gifted with an intuitive knowledge of the physics of the fucked, no matter how impossible or ridiculous the scenario may be you just always feel, "Yeah, he'll make it." But that's not always the case with Jim, nor with Tommy, and for that reason alone it's scary as hell to watch either of them commit to anything.

Don't get me wrong, Jim does have an undeniably freakish talent when it comes to things of a primarily bikish nature, but even then it's often what he ends up going for that puts you right on the edge of your shitter. And the fact he knows it's potentially fucked but still ends up throwing himself at it anyway makes you root for him all the more—and I don't mean that in like a pig looking for a truffle way. But, having now mentioned truffles, if anyone does want to be mine this Thursday, all it would take is a nice big box of those in the dark chocolate variety—vegan, of course, because I am one of those non-dairy fruit loops.

Anyway, Jim DeChamp, I salute you—with a T-Rex arm. Cheers!

Fan of Soft Cell? Obtuse to the hard sell? Exercise your power to purchase Nitro Circus Season 1, Season 2, or 3D on DVD and VOD.

* I understand I'm fully 2000-late on this, but geographical circumstance is as geographical doesn't when it comes to living remote and the world of entertainment.

(Photos by Sean Cliver; 2009)

jackassworld flashback: the tape measure infomercial

It's not that time of the week, but that's not going to stop me from going back there. There being the purgatory of jackassworld.rip and all the nonsense that was never made sense of in the heat of the 2008 moment. Some of the best nonsense to come out of it all though was thanks in part to Dave Carnie. Expanding upon absurdities first seen in the pages of Big Brother skateboard magazine, e.g. the fake advertisement for a "Mumbling Elk" oddity, Carnie took your everyday run-of-the-mill household tape measure and made it a thing of iconic beauty to span the online ages. Doubt me, Thomas? See for yourself...

wee baby bawl vs. wee baby ball

During his extensive interviews for jackass 3.5, Jeff Tremaine made no secret of his love for dressing Wee Man up in costumes. With entirely good reason, of course, because Wee almost always looks absolutely adorable any ill demeanor be damned. Yes, I'm talking about that one particular afternoon in 2001, while filming for the last season of the TV show, when we were finally able to convince Wee Man to dress up as a big baby to be run about and into things by his jogging father Preston Lacy. Wee was nothing short of a gigantic grumpasaurus wreck that day, which only made us giggle all the more and him all the more grumpy. It was a very perverse win-win-lose-lose scenario in that we—except Wee—all enjoyed a good laugh, but we—including Wee—returned to the office with very little footage to show for the day.

Before concluding our bedtime story, please, enjoy this infantile interlude: 

It would be over four more years until we were finally able to get Wee Man back to baby basics—and succeeded in not just doing so once but twice! Unfortunately, but fortunately, Baby made a boom-boom on the first occasion during "The Poof", and on the second ... well, let's just say the re-enactment of Wee Man's birth with him coming out from under the extremely "husky" woman who guest-starred alongside John Waters in "The Magic Trick", a/k/a "Disappearing Wee", was just as near to horrifying as it sounds. But don't take my word for it, take Wee's in jackass 2.5! Th-th-that's all, folks. We now return you to your regularly scheduled online time mismanagement.

(Photo by Sean Cliver; Los Angeles, California 2001)

loiter squad season 2 trailer

What's up, dog? And before I go anywhere like a horse with a long face, let it be known throughout the Majesty's purple mountains and Amber's wavy grain that the second season of Loiter Squad premieres Sunday, March 10, at Midnight ET/PT on Adult Swim. Then and only then will you get your recommended dietary allowance of Tyler, Taco, Lionel, and Jasper's shenanigans. Ride the lightning.