Today, boys and girls, we're going to get technologically crafty and all it takes is a smart phone and a bit of flexibility to do so. What are we going to make? Well, with a nod to the legacy left behind by iJobs, iVaginas and iHoles, both of which are modeled here by the one and only Jeff Tremaine!
Here's the simple basic step-by-step how-to, which could almost be DIY, a/k/a do-it-yourfuckingself, but it does help to have a friend on hand with facial hair tendencies and/or premium blowjob lips. Anyway, let's break it down instructionally, starting with the iVagina:
- Find your phone.
- Find a friend (or prepare for the worst and get "selfie").
- Assuming you have a friend, have them relax their lips to a pleasingly pliable and possibly puffy or pouty state. The tongue should then be gently and partially pushed through the lips to part them, but should not protrude or stick out in a pointed fashion unless you're intentionally going for that punished pastrami look.
- Snap a tight pic of this lip/tongue formation while taking any and all surrounding facial hair into careful consideration. Of course, bald eagles are perfectly acceptable, too—personal preference is all.
- With image onscreen, place the phone atop your crotch and do your best "Goodbye Horses" impression while a friend takes a photo of your new look.
Okay, now for the iHole:
- Same steps as above, but instead of the "lazy lips" make "carp lips". If you're unfamiliar with what a carp is, it's a bottom-dwelling lake fish with these sucker-like lips. The Asian variety is wreaking ecosystem havok in the Midwest, but that's neither here nor there for now. Warning: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make duck lips—actually, that's more of just a general rule of thumb to live by.
- Once you have popped a shot of a suitable hole—the more macro, blown out, hairy, wet and drooling the better—take your phone and reach around, way round, to where your anus would be, and place accordingly. Again, have a helping hand on hand to take the final photo.
What you do with the photos from there on out is your deal. Posting to Facebook is the perfect place to make mom 'n' pop proud of their progeny, or Instagram like you just don't give a good goddamn.
(Photos by Sean Cliver; 2012)