dickhouse

the world's strongest vagina... bozhe moi!

 

Now here's something the Wildboyz clearly didn't know about when they went behind the former Iron Curtain of Russia in 2005: It's home to the strongest vagina in the whole wide world! Because if they had known... well... hmm... I don't know. I'm not sure what would have happened. I mean, it's not like the Wildboyz were known to tangle with vaginas, you know? That just would have been so out of character for them and might've thrown fans for an unusually straight loop. True, Johnny Knoxville did make a point of wrestling a particularly beefy specimen of womanhood in Russia (who ultimately, and unsurprisedly, pinned him flat on his back to the mat), so I'm sure one of our boys could've mustered up the manhood to go hole-to-hole with Tatyana Kozhevnikovam in a weightlifting competition, which, in the end—and I really mean in the end—would've fit the Wildboyz style to the tee. Missed opportunity or future prospect? You be the judge.

(Photo by Cordell Mansfield; Russia 2005) 

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everybody poops... even whales and wildboyz!

everybody poops... even whales and wildboyz!

In an unexpected turn, things are about to get very brown in downtown Dickhouse for the rest of the week. That said, everybody poops, whales and Wildboyz, too, but I'll be shit-whipped if I couldn't find a single pooey photo in the entire Wildboyz archive. I know, my anus is as flabbergasted as yours, considering feces were one of the creative cornerstones of the franchise. Not a nugget was to be found, however, so I had to opt for the next best thing: this seeming mash-up of Chris Pontius's alter-egos, Garbage Man and Chico Fiesta, unconventionally yet somehow appropriately garbed in jeans. The very idea of Chris in pants is wrong to begin with—he's a natural born shorts wearer—but it works, what with the creeping thong and shirtless torso. In Mexico, no less! But it's true: whales do poop. And boy oh boy what poops they are! Just try on these oceanic shit slicks for size: http://news.discovery.com

(Photo by Barry Smoler; Mexico 2005)

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congratulations to dave and shawna england!

This past weekend, Mr. Dave England invited a bunch of us up to his big backyard digs in Ojai, California, to witness his marriage to Ms. Shawna Evans during the extreme heat of the day. All sweatbacks and asides though, a pleasant afternoon was had by all in attendance, including, but not limited to, Johnny Knoxville, Preston Lacy, Spike Jonze, Chris Pontius, Loomis Fall, Jeff Tremaine, Danger Ehren, Rick Kosick, Dimitry Elyashkevich, Ross Angeles, Chris Reed, Whitey McConnaughy, Trip Taylor, Mini-Loop Thor, Cordell Mansfield and Sean Cliver. Although Darf is no longer with us, many, many tales of his previous escapades were recounted, including this new one we'd never heard before where he'd allegedly appeared at a high-profile function and kept trying to peep up the dress of a local Sheriff's wife. Ah, Darf... how we don't miss you so!

Photos clockwise from top left: Ehren and Pontius share a shady moment; Dave and Shawna exit stage center; Knoxville, Spike, Loomis, Pontius, Cliver and Tremaine keep their sunny sides up; Knoxville and Preston share a hydration moment.

Photos from left: Cliver and Tremaine bookend the second most handsome man in Hollywood, Cordell Mansfield; Dimitry and Loomis bookend the most professional pooper in Hollywood, Dave England.

(Photos by Rick Kosick; Ojai, California 2013)

bring that bam beat back

Since yesterday's adventures in the third and possibly close to turd dimension went over so well, here's one last gastric blast from Will the Farter's jackass 3D past. Plus, it keeps up our poo-poo pee-pee throw-up web cred. Anyway, you may now be asking yourself, a pastor, or a Subway sandwich artist, "How exactly did Bam get from Point A to Point C in this image?" The correct answer is a beeline straight from Will's blustery bum to Bam's mouth—utilizing a cigarette as the intermediary link between the two (yes, it does appear to be a pertinent missing link as well, but it's actually inside the styrofoam cup that Danger Ehren is holding up for a closer inspection of the partially eww juice-stained filter). By the by, this very same couch still resides within the hallowed halls of Dickhouse and has probably never received a proper cleaning… just a word to all the wise that have sat and held counsel with Tremaine and Knoxville over the years!

(Photo by Sean Cliver; 2010)

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happy earth day from the wildboyz

Brevity is a bowl of shit, as Shakespeare once famously said, so today's post is a shout out of photographic big ups and mad props to the Earth. Why? Because any fan of the Wildboyz knows we're all about ecological conversation conservation. Good job, Earth!

Love planting trees for Jesus? Like seeing moderately grown men pee? Pick up Season 1, Season 2, and the collected Seasons 3 & 4 of Wildboyz on DVD today!

(Photos by Dimitry Elyashkevich, Jeff Tremaine and Cordell Mansfield)

a party boy makeover in the future?

Before you go and get your undies in a bunch, no, we're not giving Party Boy a makeover. Not here, not now, nor in the forseeable future. That was basically just a big mistruth in advertising, a/k/a dangling a meat carrot, to get your little ass in the door here. However, there is a certain something in the male undergarment department that Party Boy should definitely put through the paces at some point—mainly because I'm having a hard time believing this could ever work in the practical sense. It's called the "Flash Blue Side String" and it is every bit as confusing as the name would imply. First off, it's more of a sling than a string, but that may just be their French showing; and secondly, this has awkward written all over it, notwithstanding the freshly manscaped male model (personally, I would've preferred to see a vintage Gabe Kotter bursting out from behind the blue rather than this plucked chicken).

All preconceptions aside, one does have to wonder if this is a thong so wrong it just may be right ... well, that and if it could even begin to contain the beast of Party Boy, much less stand up to the frictional rigors of his sexy routine.

(Photo by Sean Cliver; India 2006)

where eels dare

Why is it that the world of wacky news and Dickhouse always go hand-in-hand? Could be a number of things, really, but it all (big surprise) boils down to the butt and stuff. Unfortunately I've already shot my wad when it comes to the amphiuma flicks, so I'm going to have to dig a bit more deep and trivial to the jungles of Brazil. Okay, so it wasn't really the jungle—more like a research facility—but you take 'em where you get 'em when it comes to flirting with exotic animals; in this case, the electric eel (which you can't actually see in the Wildboyz photo above, so I've taken the liberty of painstakingly digitally dropping one in for zap-happy dramatic effect). But can you just imagine if this Chinese man—wait, I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this sooner, but I'm referring to the man who recently made world Interweb headlines after drunkenly performing a swamp eel colonoscopy cum tragic bum safari—had tried to go this same distance with an eel of the electric variety? Holy hell, that would've been one hell of a Ben Franklin bowel moment!

P.S. Speaking of going a fair distance, I'll go wherever it takes to pull a Danzig reference, so cheers to you if you're eagle of mind and a goddamn son of a bitch at heart.

(Photo by Dimitry Elyashkevich; Brazil 2004)

art sharts: the balls of chris pontius

It's been a good while since we've simply sat and pondered a photo for photo's sake without going out on a linked limb, so let's examine the post-pubescent, extra-spatial relationship between Chris Pontius, his balls, several other balls, and all immediate witnesses thereof. Actually, let's not, because anyone who deconstructs the meaning to anything should be tried and convicted of crimes against humanity. Okay, maybe that's going a bit overboard, but can't we all just sit and enjoy an image of a man spilling out of a common hotel elevator with his umbilicus and package presented to not only the heavens above but a hefty fraction of the Nitro Circus family—Street Bike Tommy and Andy Bell, to be precise—and the wilderiest nine-and-one-quarter fingered man on Earth, Manny Puig? I would sure hope so, but I'm naturally the hopeful sort and will spring eternal as such until the last of my pseudo-cynical waylaid days.

Tune in next week* for another negligible installment of Art Sharts to see further shots of shit** with accompanying senseless*** rants about nothing in sharticular at all!

* Complimentary cheese and crackers not included.

** Offer void in Delaware until its existence is proven otherwise.

*** Buy jackass 3 and jackass 3.5 on DVD for the full digital bitch of an experience!

(Photo by Sean Cliver; Orlando, Florida 2010)

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chris pontius on loiter squad

We interrupt this totally irrelevant week of links to odd news stories to bring you this important embedded video clip of Chris Pontius on Loiter Squad. You know, just in case you missed it this past Sunday night. It has a classic behind-the-scenesy feel, especially what with the voice of cameraman Rick Kosick making all the queries of Chris, doesn't it? I find it all very soothing, comforting if you will, kind of like chamomile, although I'm not much of a tea man myself. Masturbation is my main mellow these days. Play ball!

turkish wrestling: ahead of our time!

This week I am dedicating to "What's in the news and how can it be exploited as such?" because it's good to be the king. And on that purple note, I'd like to turn your attention to the national sport of Turkey, oil wrestling! Musclebound and lubed dudes are always a hot topic for sure, but toss in some good old fashioned down-the-pants grapple holds and the phrase "umbilicus exposed to heaven" is nothing short of a good, good time. Although no lube or oil was involved in slicking the skins of Chris Pontius and Danger Ehren in 2001, there's a decidedly Turkish factor at play in this impromptu post-Nutball roustabout of theirs. Although we always suspected who came on top—I mean, came out on top in this ass grabbin' grass match, it can now, thanks to the Turkish rule book, be officially stated that Pontius was indeed the victor what with Ehren's umbilicus and a few other dingly-dangly details exposed to the heavens above Portland, Oregon.

Lacking lube in life? No muster in the mustard? Skip the scat and pick up the great jackass DVD box set featuring the best as can be collected pieces of the TV series: Buy the box set!

Still mystified? Clam bake? Click me, asshole: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/23/oil-wrestling-is-turkeys-national-sport

(Photo by Sean Cliver; Portland, Oregon 2001)

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Just when you want to give the world in general the benefit of the doubt, news stories such as this dot the Interweb in abundance on a daily basis. And by "this" I mean the tale of a love/dumbstruck Chinese man, Gou, who expelled and expressed his raw emotions in a mistakenly emollient manner. Allegedly, the poor recipient of his bottled affection, Zeng, applied a good portion of Gou's goo to her face before realizing the "moisturizer" was not what it seemed until the odd smell was confirmed by a friend. Eww, dude.

Now I don't know about you, but this certainly reminds me of the time Johnny Knoxville fell victim to a very similar semen-substitution when his cumscreen—I mean, sunscreen was lovingly spiked by Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn while filming for jackass 3 and 3.5. The prank wasn't revealed until it was shown as a bonus feature at the tail end of a "friends and family" screening of jackass 3D prior to the film's official premiere, so we were all fortunate in that Knoxville's sense of smell wasn't so keen as Zeng's and he was routinely slathering what was essentially bubbly, ropy loads of horse semen to his face for many laughable months. Ne-e-e-i-i-ghsty!

Short on brain matter and need your online batter spoonfed? Enjoy a good April fool? Here you go:

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/articles/442808/20130306/china-zeng-lin-mistakes-bottle-sperm-admirier.htm

(This photo, taken by Rick Kosick in Argentina, circa 2005, was actually from a Wildboyz shoot and had nothing whatsoever to do with the later horse cum prank in 2010; however, it is funny to see Knoxville on the receiving end of something he wanted nothing to do with, only to later apply it to his face on a daily basis. The power of portent!)

all-new loiter squad tonight on adult swim

The second season of most any hot shit show will start to incorporate guests in some manner, and for tonight's all-new episode of Loiter Squad they chose to bring in Chris Pontius. With good reason, of course, because Chris is awesome! But I know I'm preaching to the choir here, there, and everywhere, when I say that, so let me just say this: flip onto Adult Swim come midnight to catch Pontius in cahoots with Loiter Squad, because you won't see him in the teaser below!

a tanked "pranks and dranks" repeat tonight

Good Friday indeed! In the event you missed the original air date last week, Animal Planet has the Tanked episode featuring the custom 'crylic creation for Jeff "Picky" Tremaine scheduled for a repeat broadcast at 10:00pm ET/PT tonight. The one-hour long show bounces back and forth between its A and B stories and the respective constructions thereof, but if you come in late for the last 15 minutes you'll still catch the big reveal with special attendees Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, Wee Man, and Big Dave Tremaine.

(Photo by Sean Cliver; 2012)

jackassworld flashback: community math

The other day I received an email from Mike G. of former jackassworld.rip "mailbag" fame. Apparently he'd just seen the Nitro Circus movie and thought the fully-bearded Street Bike Tommy bore a rather striking resemblance to the time we'd mathed up Josh Lingenfelter and the Unabomber to make a Zach Galifianakis. So he took the X and the Z components of that equation, added them together, and came up with an SBT. In thanks for the contribution, here's a dried up old Mailbag segment I found stuck to the bottom of someone's online fruit basket... thanks, Mike G!

tonight on tanked... jeff tremaine!

What began as a random reference on Twitter soon lead to a fish tank of gargantuan proportions in Jeff Tremaine's "man room"—all courtesy of the masterful men from Tanked. Tonight you can see said episode of Tanked on Animal Planet, where all Tremaine's saltwater fishy dreams come true in his very own house. Johnny Knoxville, Wee Man, Chris Pontius, and Dave Tremaine himself are all there for the big reveal, so be sure to tune in at 9:00pm ET/PT for the full-fledged aquarium experience!

(Photo by Sean Cliver; 2012)