While out to dinner the other night with Knoxville, Dimitry, and Amanda, we decided to have a vagina drawing contest. I know, sounds weird, seems all we like to do is focus on the male genitalia, e.g. dicks, balls, and such, but earlier circumstances dictated otherwise and Knoxville decided to put us all to the illustrated test—primarily myself, as I'd somewhat botched a drawing of a vagina the night before. I have my excuses, good ones, I think, but no one had their listening ears on and didn't give two shits what I had to say in defense, so we each received a small piece of paper and pen and went to work on a leveled playing field.
Needless to say the results speak for themselves, but I'm an admittedly biased dick. So, with that in mind and starting at top left, we have Amanda's "interpretation" of a vagina. Though she has one of her own, you really couldn't tell it from the drawing, which Knoxville went on to aptly describe as a "desiccated apricot" (I would've given her the benefit of a halved dwarf papaya, but to each their own in describing crude renditions of spoiled fruit). Next up, at top right, we have Knoxville's entry—a classic bush and navel scenario, and, I have to concede, one of Knoxville's truly better scrawlings (you'll have to trust me in this as I've witnessed a number of his painstaking efforts over the years—he was so proud he even signed it!). Bottom right is mine, where I believe to have redeemed myself from the prior night's fiasco (which just so happened to unfortunately take place on a poor girl's upper arm), and yes, I do pay attention to the details, as witnessed by the inclusion of the perineum and other lady bits; However, Dimitry and Knoxville both accused and/or dismissed me of going home and doing some online studying, but you know what? They can go fuck themselves. Anyway, Dimitry's is the last at bottom left and it does nothing but underscore his Russian heritage. It's wild, it's wooly, it's 100-percent baBUSHka to the '70s tee.
But there you have it: the results of the 2013 Dickhouse Vagina Drawing Contest, which ended in a hotly contested debate that no doubt annoyed several other restaurant patrons. Tomorrow, rest assured, we'll return to our regularly scheduled parade of dicks.
(Photo by Johnny Knoxville; 2013)
crew was kicked clear across to the other side of the industrial park, closer to the shit plants and refineries, where the magazine lived out its last months of freewheeling dumb before being bought up and censored by—of all people and companies—Larry Flynt Publishing, Inc.—in 1997.
had the foresight to salvage a few scraps of petroglyph from the woodpile, so that's what you're looking at now: Pieces from the mag's art/editorial director Jeff Tremaine's very own desk, where the magazine layouts and print files were labored over on a state-of-the-art-yet-still-slow-ass computer, allowing for lots and lots of bored fucking doodle time.
, but the added text was more likely than not courtesy of the resident pro/am skaters of the time, e.g. Guy Mariano, Rudy Johnson, Daniel Castillo, Kareem Campbell, Shiloh Greathouse, Daewon Song, etc., many of who spent hours of idle time perfecting their individual tags all throughout the office on any and every available surface, nook, and cranny (Tim Gavin's "SHITE" was a personal favorite of the staff's); or, it may have been a "street" embellishment provided by an enigmatic artist known only as "The Creeper".
, but I must express an increasingly growing and turgid concern that this is becoming something more—much more—serious. Yes, I'm talking about yet another tragic outcome to a penis being drawn on the face of a passed out man. This time it was in the UK and the finality was death—although perhaps not in the way you would have expected. Instead it was an accidental doing, with the victim being the person whom the penis was originally drawn on. Seeing as I'm not some little half-ass CNN bitch, I'm not going to get into all the sensationalistic facts of the story—you can do that
(2006). And, besides, my real true life's dream is to one day be featured on 
roadtrips that took place soon after the branding incident in Florida.
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